Month: February 2016

One Week Left: Karma

Posted on by Joseff Stevenson

“Many children believe there are monsters in their closets so they hide from them, they never approach them and therefore don’t understand the usefulness of a closet. Our suffering is much the same. Approach it, investigate it, understand it, and then hang your clothes on it, and maybe an accessory rack from Ikea to keep your personal thingys in.”

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Let’s just be square, I don’t like saying, “One Week Left,” because it’s not totally the truth. If you remember back when we started this whole journey together, you’ll remember that this wasn’t about SURVIVING 30 days but USING 30 days for transformation. So, in reality, no, not “One Week Left,” but a lifetime left. Some things from this journey may stick and others may fall away to some degree but the important thing is that I’ve learned some discipline, some humility and new ways to be in touch with reality as opposed to medicating through food, beverage and laziness.

So here is something else I’ve learned: The Energy we put into the universe is, in fact, real. I had an event happen to me a little over a year ago that left me in an emotional acid rain storm. My depression was at an all time high and I lost all sense of value and positivity, when you read the ads on the El for Clinical Studies on Depression, they could have put my picture up next to them with an arrow and a blurb saying, “Do you feel like Karmathis guy?” Yes, that’s how bad it was, but, it was also the impetus, by way of domino effect, for the joy that I am experiencing now.

In seeking an answer for the pain I felt I found Buddhism and its philosophies, I’m not going to preach about it because there is nothing to preach about, you can live within almost any religion, creed or theism and still appreciate the philosophies of the Buddha (Martin Luther King Jr. was a fan of Buddhism). Buddhism works this way because it’s not about who you worship but how you live in the world.

  • Recognizing the difference between “Need” and “Desire”.
  • Recognizing that the source of pain comes from within us.
  • Seeing the interconnectedness of the universe and therefore its beauty and ugliness as one and the same.
  • And that all energy is also connected.

Karma (or Kamma) is not as most modern Westerners understand it; Karma Chameleon and “What goes around comes around.” Karma is about the intended energy that is sent out from our beings. We live in and pass on positive energy and if we do this we leave our spiritual pores wide open to receive the same energy. It’s not about bouncing our good energy off of a back board so that we can catch it again but about living IN the positive energy so that we are prepared to receive it as it is in existence all around us at all times.

It’s hard for a depressed person to figure this out because they are so stuck in their negativity that it seems nearly impossible to squeeze out anything that resembles joy. But I promise you, (yeah you, you know who I’m talking to) it is not impossible to find joy and positivity in your life if you learn how to understand and allow your suffering. Bet you didn’t see that coming. “Allow my suffering? What the hell are you talking about Joseff?” It is exactly what it sounds like. I want you to click HEEERRRE (Wait! Not now weirdo, after you finish reading my Blog).

Think of it this way; the reason I refer to myself as “An Idiot” in the title of my Blog is not because I think I am stupid, it is because IF I hold myself as a fully functioning, fully intellectual, human being, then I have already reached my utmost potential. However, if I accept that I am, in reality, a TOTAL FREAKING IDIOT, then I have the world at my fingertips and all the information that I did not have is now a thousand times more available to me and I am a million times more likely to seek it out. The truth is, and this should provide some comfort to my fellow downers (AKA Depressed Peeps), we are all suffering, we are all in this together and JOY doesn’t hold water if we do not first accept that we suffer. When we are born, we have already begun our inevitable journeys toward death. When you are aware of your feeling, whatever it may be, take a breath and say, “I am aware of this feeling,” allow the feeling to be and to exist, observe it, face it, try and understand it without judging it and it will float on to make way for the next feeling. The more you practice this meditation (And that’s what meditation is, mindful observation), the more you will understand your feelings, and the less control they will have over your life as a whole.

Many children believe there are monsters in their closets so they hide from them, they never approach them and therefore don’t understand the usefulness of a closet. Our suffering is much the same. Approach it, investigate it, understand it, and then hang your clothes on it, and maybe an accessory rack from Ikea to keep your personal thingys in.

Understanding Karma/Kamma comes from the above mentioned place of mindful observance of self. There’s a verse in the Bible that I remember from when I was a child and it stands out to me because it seems to stand outside of religious dogma and is also a testament to the Buddhist way of thought, and it goes something like, “Don’t attempt to take the speck from your brother’s eye (MEANING OF “BROTHER”: ANYONE ELSE’S EYE!!!) until you’ve removed the plank from your own.” Understand yourself and your energy will move out into the world and affect others, you don’t really have to try, it will just happen and you’ll reap the benefits of your Karma without realizing you even needed those benefits in the first place.

Since I started this Blog, working on being better to myself, I have found that I have reaped the benefits of positive Karma without even needing them in the first place. It’s nice to be surprised.

Now, go back up and click on HEEERRRE to forego your ignorance and learn a little about Buddhism. Or if you’re just to lazy to go halfway up the page you can just click HEEERRRE instead.

Comment below and give me some ideas on what I should do for my next 30 Days With and Idiot.

Week 2.5: Serendipity

Posted on by Joseff Stevenson

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I apologize for my tardiness for this post. The truth is that my schedule is going through an evolution; at first every moment was planned out, and now that habits are beginning to form, and self value is increasing, my spontaneity is finding its right place in my life, right between “planned” and “Oh shit, that was dumb.”

That being said, here’s what’s going on:

The Gym: A place that started as a source of anxiety has now become a place of peace and refuge. I’m now half way through my third week of weight training and the aches and pains have become more livable, I’m seeing and feeling noticeable gains and losses in the right ways, I’m feeling stronger and more durable. But most of all, and this is important, I’m just feeling an overall sense of comfort, I feel in place and more prepared to deal with anxiety than ever before.

Food: Food is also becoming easier, I’m trying new clean foods that are going over successfully, I’m finding variety and flavor to be totally accessible within my new lifestyle of eating, and that even when I do head outside of my boundaries for a meal (I hate calling it a “Cheat” meal because this is not a “Diet” this is an awareness) I still make choices that are in concern for my ultimate health and wellness.

Drinking: So, the original plan was to limit myself to drinking only twice a week but that has led to a conundrum that I’m having to deal with. Since I’ve been drinking less, I’m finding it more and more that I don’t really care to drink all that much at all, and therefore my brain is telling me that those “2 Days of Drinking” are requirements as opposed to allowances. This, and the fact that I am drinking less and am becoming a light weight, leads to evenings of, getting-it-out-of-the-way mentality, which leads to the very reasons I wanted to stop drinking in the first place; late nights, affected memory, over sleeping, lethargy, etc.

So, to fix the aforementioned conundrum, I am going to try drinking as an “occasion.”

Let’s define this: An “Occasion” is such that the value of it is an abnormality in nature. It can not be defined as repetitious, such as Friday or a birthday, nor without permanent effect, such as someone’s last day at work or an Oscar viewing party. It can be defined as an event unprecedented and unrivaled that warrants the merit of true celebration. However, the above definition does not require consumption nor does it encourage it. “Necessity” and “Drinking” must never be partnered in theory or action unless the “Drinking” in question is the healthy consumption of water. Bam. Dropped the mic. This theory begins today.

 

Here’s the fun part… Life in general: 6 months ago, if I had been thrown the curve balls that I had been thrown this last week, I would be drinking right now, I would be upset, I would blame myself, and I would not be living a joyful life. I won’t go into the details but I will say this; Serendipity.

“Serendipity,” thank you Mr. Horace Walpole for this wonderful, skipping, word. It starts with an unvoiced gentle “hiss” like the steam coming from the morning tea kettle, slowly awakening the senses, and ends with a playful triad of alveolar and bilabial plosives that make it so much fun to say (Thank you International Phonetic Alphabet); Serendipity. Serendipity. Serendipity! SERENDIPITY! It means, “Fortunate Happenstance.” It’s very rare in life that we look at events and refer to them as “Serendipitous,” in fact, every time I use the word I have to remind myself what it means, just to be sure I’m using it correctly. However, it occurs to me that to experience “Serendipity” one must be available to experience it. I’m reminded of a quote that I’ve used many times in my writing, paraphrased it is, “We spend so much time looking at the doors of happiness that have been closed to us that we fail to see the ones that have been opened.” That was Helen Keller. Serendipity has to be noticed, it is a “Happenstance”, but if we don’t see it, or choose not to accept it, it is gone and we are left hoping for another one to arrive. Oh, we ARE so tragic, but we can’t make excuses for relishing in our tragedy and failing to see the opportunities that make themselves available to us on a whim.

The tough moments that I have had to face in my life, the events of this previous week, they have no intentions, they are not human in presence of mind, body or spirit, they are abstract events; they are not tragedy, or suffering, or peace, or joy, or disdain, or indifference, or even tangible, these are my own inventions and I find a great deal of comfort in knowing that I get to choose, that I am in power.

Don’t Tell Me What to Do!

Posted on by Joseff Stevenson

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4 days into my second week and I’m still going strong. Noticing differences in my body, the weight training is getting a little easier, I have more endurance in my cardio exercise  and I’m finding new, exciting ways to prep my foods so I don’t get too bored with my meals. Also, I’m sleeping. Yay.

So as far as the habits go, there’s really not too much to report so let’s talk a little about some of the things that got me into the unhealthy lifestyle I was living in the first place:

I’m f###### stubborn. I don’t like being told what to do, what to like, who to like, how to handle my problems, what kind of sauce I should have with my McNuggets, or anything else. This has always been a part of me. The problem here is negotiating with myself as to when this mentality is useful and when I need to buck up and be a little more agreeable.

I tried something similar to this about a year ago but I did it to prove myself to someone else… guess what… didn’t work. Perhaps the way some of you out there in WWW land work but it’s definitely not the way I work. Eventually I realized that in “being healthy” to prove something to someone else, I had relinquished control and as much as I wanted to hold on to the healthy lifestyle it was gradually becoming unimportant because it had been chosen FOR me by circumstance.

So I slid back into a lifestyle I wasn’t really happy with but at least, to me, it was mine. Eventually I had to come to grips with the fact that it was not, in fact, my lifestyle, but that I was a slave to very powerful and covert forces that were dictating nearly all of my choices in all aspects of life. Service industry people; Have you ever found yourself wanting to get cut (Let out of work) earlier so you can sit at the bar and have your shift drink earlier? Have you ever snuck in that pre-shift beer hour, hoping to reduce the stress? Have you worked at a place that has a “Team Meeting” (When the staff meets in hiding for a shot)?

These habits are the one places in the lives of stubborn, “don’t tell me what to do,” kinds of people in which they will relinquish control. We make excuses for the choices we make; it’s Friday, it’s Tom’s last night, Sarah’s birthday, there’s a Bulls game on, there’s any sporting event on, it’s Tuesday, I had a rough day, I had a great day, I just need to get out, Mark’s gonna be there, they have a great special tonight, I saw a puppy and it made me sad that I can’t have a puppy in my apartment so now I need a drink. The reality that we need to face is that we are giving up control to something that isn’t even of rational thought, alcohol is not qualified to give us life advice, but somehow, when a friend tries to give us a suggestion about anything at all, us stubborn people become annoyed and rebel against suggestion, even if it’s good for us.

I’m still going to be a little stubborn though I’m working on it, but now I’m redistributing that energy so that it covers my relationships with my bad habits. I don’t want to be a slave to anything.

Reinforcing my reinfocement!!! Inevitably, in every circle of drinkers that I have spent time with and around there is that one person who actually makes you sad. They give you a window into what it must look like to have fully lost control of your will. He’s the guy that’s 23 but you thought was 37. He seems to be at every bar, every time you go out. Blacking out is a source of pride for this person.

Now, let’s be clear, I’ve always been the barroom philosopher, the guy that no one can tell is drunk when he actually reaches that level. Blacking out didn’t happen often, though browning out happened on occasion. For years, I used this attitude of “At least I’m not that guy,” as an excuse to continue my habits, but the truth is, I was that guy, maybe not to the same degree and maybe less celebratory, but I too was a slave to the same thing regardless.

When I smoked, I never thought too much about how my smoking effected my relationships with others. The smell, the stains and the closed mouth smile. I didn’t want to care what other people thought. But the truth is, I deeply cared but was at war with my own pride.

When I drink regularly and to excess, I lose the sense of image that I really want and yearn for. The trust that I want to build with others begins to deteriorate, my focus begins to fail, and my confidence takes on the repercussions. It begins to not matter how smart, innovative, driven or passionate I am because my intelligence, innovation, drive and passion can never leave the four walls of whatever bar I am in as long as I am confined by the four walls of a bar.

A MEthod: I am passionate about a lot of things but one thing that has held its place in the upper echelon of my passions has been the art of Acting. In the process of acting I feel confident and collaborative. For this role, I will do my work, I will find my action, my dream and I will identify my obstacles in order to overcome them. A professional actor becomes an expert in all fields necessary to align themselves with their role. These life changes have presented for me the role of a lifetime; my future, healthy self.

So, yeah, I’m f####### stubborn.

Day 7: Peace yo!

Posted on by Joseff Stevenson

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Peace: Peace is a huge thing that spans our universal ideals from our friendships to our cities and towns, our states, our nations and our globe, but we often tend to forget that it starts with ourselves. buddhastatue

If I haven’t mentioned it already, I have taken a particular interest in Buddhist philosophy recently, and it has helped me to see the importance of taking care of my own peace of mind first and foremost, though I’ve found that that is often easier said than done. Since I started this adventure and now that I’m filling out my first week, here are a few ways that I have found peace:

  • Insomnia: Since I was a teenager I have struggled with insomnia. I am an incredibly cognitive person, to the point that it is nearly impossible to control. If I were to go to bed at 10pm I would lay there swimming in my thoughts for 4 or 5 hours before I finally fell asleep. I often used this as an excuse for my drinking habits, as having a few drinks allowed my mind to quiet enough for me to fall asleep. People would say, “But sleep after drinking is not as solid as sober sleep,” and I’d say, “Well, at least I’m sleeping at all.” Not anymore, I’m finding peace with my mind, my thoughts are being expended on my long and productive day, and I am sleeping better without making excuses. It’s not perfect, still takes me about an hour to fall asleep once I lay down, but it’s a world of difference.
  • My Body: Though the aches from my weight lifting program are rendering me somewhat useless (seriously, if I had to save a nun from a burning car I would fail miserably), my body is expressing its joy in my new diet and exercise. I feel great, less lethargic, no bloating, more stable and just overall more healthy.
  • Food: This is a little obscure but also totally important. One of my concerns going into this was the extra time I was going to have to spend preparing foods, but I was surprised to find a completely different experience than I had expected; the steady, fun, and unique experience of preparing foods and cooking for myself has become completely peaceful, meditative in fact. In Buddhism there is an idea of Interbeing that I am particularly attracted to; Interbeing is the truth that all things are connected to one another and the Sun. The idea of preparing your own foods connects you, directly in a way, to a whole family of experiences; the soil, the seeds, the water, the sun, the air, the farmer, the shipper, the stock person at the market, the person who checks you out, the kitchen tools you use to prepare your food and their history, the pan, the smells, the seasonings, the flavors, the interaction the food will have with your body, digestion, nutrition, and ultimately how the byproduct (Your poop) will go on to start the whole process over again as a fertilizer for something else. When you prepare your food, you can consciously plug in to the experience of the entire network.
  • Time: Finding peace with time is really about finding the balance in our time. Sure we have responsibilities that require promptness but when can we respect the emptiness in our time or the moments of spontaneity? Believe it or not, I found that planning my life to every minute detail has increased the value of my spontaneity. It seems that when we plan, we tend to give ourselves more time than we need most of the time and what we choose to fill that extra time with is up to us. By contrast, occasions become more special because they are no longer diluted by the constant onslaught of forced experiences, they become distilled in fact.

Most of us are so used to being aggravated, angry and annoyed with nearly everything, especially in the service industry because, sadly, so many people are complete assholes when dining out. But there is no value to our negativity, it serves no purpose that couldn’t be better navigated with peace of mind.

 

Days 5 & 6: The Cheats

Posted on by Joseff Stevenson

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“Whoever decided that it was important to work out your legs with weights and shit was a jerk.”

I have a loaded word for you… wait for it… “DIET.” The reason this word is loaded is because when you mention it in a sentence as it pertains to you, the assumption is that you are ON a diet, not the diet that is simply the food that you eat. We all have a diet, we are not all on a diet. All bourbon is whiskey, not all whiskey is bourbon.

My concern with diet now is not to be ON a diet but to change, permanently, MY diet that is the foods I WANT to eat. Does this make sense to you? It’s complicated, I admit.

Currently I am looking at the health benefits of the foods I am CHOOSING to eat and finding ways to make sure that I enjoy them so that they become foods that I get excited about. In addition, I keep eating this stuff, and god forbid, I am actually starting to crave it. Seriously, there are foods that I have chosen not to eat since I was a child, or sometimes never, because they looked funny or I didn’t like the color. These factors, color, shape and all-together icky lookingness have determined what foods I put in my mouth for over thirty years (Please refer to the “Idiot” part of the title of this blog). My first time having cauliflower was about a year ago, and go figure, loved it.

Working out: Back to the workout today. Abs and Cardio. Today is a particularly important day because it deals directly with the ant hill that is my belly. Which leads to…

BODY IMAGE: Huge, HUGE psychological issue with me. It started with some choice words during a break up nearly 14 years ago, something along the lines of, “…and you didn’t used to be so fat!” Aaaaand BAM! body image complex. Men are often taught from an early age to hide those types of issues but, if I’m any indication, we got problems yo.

With me, body image starts at my gut and then slowly transmits to nearly every other part of my body. It’s important to me, however, that this life change that I am instituting for myself not be about body image but about health and perhaps I’ll get some peace of mind from the rock hard muscles and flat stomach that come along with “Health.” That all being said, here are the goals that I am setting for my view of my body image:

  1. Tank tops: I have not owned nor desired to own a tank top since I was able to start choosing my back-to-school clothes. At first it was because I was pale-skinned and eventually it was because of the little pudge of fat that had developed between my chest and upper arm (Granted, a lot of people think I’m seeing things, perhaps I am) in addition to weird wispy hair that had begun to grow on my shoulders. I want to be comfortable, especially in the muggy Chicago Summer, wearing a tank top.
  2. Photos: It often occurs to me that I am not a fan of having photos taken with me in them. I’m either avoiding them or making funny faces so that others who have the misfortune to find these photos will think, “He’s just making a funny face, I’m sure he looks completely normal otherwise.”
  3. The Classic Beach Bod (Whatever that means): Being on the beach without a shirt on has never been a very comfortable thing for me as an adult. TIME TO CHANGE THAT. It’s a very similar feeling to the first time I am intimate with someone and they see me without a shirt on. They would never know the way I feel in that moment (Unless of course they read this blog) but it is definitely something that lays restlessly in the back of my mind.

Insecurity is real, but it doesn’t have to define us.

Day 6 Workout (Legs and Shoulders): Whoever decided that it was important to work out your legs with weights and shit was a jerk. In previous attempts to become a gymaholic I decided to omit the leg workout with the excuse that I am very active and my legs receive the majority of the work from my everyday life so I can skip them. Now I know that I am a total wimp and my legs feel like someone took the bones out of them. This better be worth it.

Tonight I trudged my way through a busy Saturday night and I decided that today was a good day to have my weekly pizza; two slices of pepperoni and it felt great and gross at the same time. I’ve noticed that I’ve gone from about 15 slices of pizza a week (I know, heaven right) to only two. I feel like I should start a twelve step program for employees of pizza restaurants.

SNAPCHAT: Due to the kindness of a young coworker who took me to a bar a few weeks back and gave me a 30 minute lesson on how to use Snapchat, I am now able to do so. If anyone wants to add me so you can see my story directly scan the photo below.

 

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