4 days into my second week and I’m still going strong. Noticing differences in my body, the weight training is getting a little easier, I have more endurance in my cardio exercise and I’m finding new, exciting ways to prep my foods so I don’t get too bored with my meals. Also, I’m sleeping. Yay.
So as far as the habits go, there’s really not too much to report so let’s talk a little about some of the things that got me into the unhealthy lifestyle I was living in the first place:
I’m f###### stubborn. I don’t like being told what to do, what to like, who to like, how to handle my problems, what kind of sauce I should have with my McNuggets, or anything else. This has always been a part of me. The problem here is negotiating with myself as to when this mentality is useful and when I need to buck up and be a little more agreeable.
I tried something similar to this about a year ago but I did it to prove myself to someone else… guess what… didn’t work. Perhaps the way some of you out there in WWW land work but it’s definitely not the way I work. Eventually I realized that in “being healthy” to prove something to someone else, I had relinquished control and as much as I wanted to hold on to the healthy lifestyle it was gradually becoming unimportant because it had been chosen FOR me by circumstance.
So I slid back into a lifestyle I wasn’t really happy with but at least, to me, it was mine. Eventually I had to come to grips with the fact that it was not, in fact, my lifestyle, but that I was a slave to very powerful and covert forces that were dictating nearly all of my choices in all aspects of life. Service industry people; Have you ever found yourself wanting to get cut (Let out of work) earlier so you can sit at the bar and have your shift drink earlier? Have you ever snuck in that pre-shift beer hour, hoping to reduce the stress? Have you worked at a place that has a “Team Meeting” (When the staff meets in hiding for a shot)?
These habits are the one places in the lives of stubborn, “don’t tell me what to do,” kinds of people in which they will relinquish control. We make excuses for the choices we make; it’s Friday, it’s Tom’s last night, Sarah’s birthday, there’s a Bulls game on, there’s any sporting event on, it’s Tuesday, I had a rough day, I had a great day, I just need to get out, Mark’s gonna be there, they have a great special tonight, I saw a puppy and it made me sad that I can’t have a puppy in my apartment so now I need a drink. The reality that we need to face is that we are giving up control to something that isn’t even of rational thought, alcohol is not qualified to give us life advice, but somehow, when a friend tries to give us a suggestion about anything at all, us stubborn people become annoyed and rebel against suggestion, even if it’s good for us.
I’m still going to be a little stubborn though I’m working on it, but now I’m redistributing that energy so that it covers my relationships with my bad habits. I don’t want to be a slave to anything.
Reinforcing my reinfocement!!! Inevitably, in every circle of drinkers that I have spent time with and around there is that one person who actually makes you sad. They give you a window into what it must look like to have fully lost control of your will. He’s the guy that’s 23 but you thought was 37. He seems to be at every bar, every time you go out. Blacking out is a source of pride for this person.
Now, let’s be clear, I’ve always been the barroom philosopher, the guy that no one can tell is drunk when he actually reaches that level. Blacking out didn’t happen often, though browning out happened on occasion. For years, I used this attitude of “At least I’m not that guy,” as an excuse to continue my habits, but the truth is, I was that guy, maybe not to the same degree and maybe less celebratory, but I too was a slave to the same thing regardless.
When I smoked, I never thought too much about how my smoking effected my relationships with others. The smell, the stains and the closed mouth smile. I didn’t want to care what other people thought. But the truth is, I deeply cared but was at war with my own pride.
When I drink regularly and to excess, I lose the sense of image that I really want and yearn for. The trust that I want to build with others begins to deteriorate, my focus begins to fail, and my confidence takes on the repercussions. It begins to not matter how smart, innovative, driven or passionate I am because my intelligence, innovation, drive and passion can never leave the four walls of whatever bar I am in as long as I am confined by the four walls of a bar.
A MEthod: I am passionate about a lot of things but one thing that has held its place in the upper echelon of my passions has been the art of Acting. In the process of acting I feel confident and collaborative. For this role, I will do my work, I will find my action, my dream and I will identify my obstacles in order to overcome them. A professional actor becomes an expert in all fields necessary to align themselves with their role. These life changes have presented for me the role of a lifetime; my future, healthy self.
So, yeah, I’m f####### stubborn.
30 days with an idiot 