Joseff Stevenson

H & F: Obstacles and Booze

Posted on by Joseff Stevenson

As human beings it is within our nature to often have things happen upon us and then provide a reaction to the event as opposed to happening upon the things outside of us or being the event. We have a choice though, it doesn’t have to be this way. I can live my life reacting to the negative consequences of being passive, I can live in anger at others or myself, I can be defeated, self loathing and manipulated, or I can choose to affect the things around me. I can shift the paradigm. I can actually EVOKE positive change, I can INSPIRE it, or I can sit around and hope that it just happens. Too often in my life, I’ve been the latter. Now I’ll use these worn out, calloused, beaten up hands to move the broken paradigm from my path and begin the journey towards real change, and real joy, and real accomplishment.

I like the word journey. It’s active. It’s both a noun and a verb. And it seems permanent and ever changing at the same time. I’d like to define, for the purposes of this blog, “Action” of any kind as a “Journey.” Any action that we undertake is a journey of varying length, purpose and determination. And every journey that we undergo has a varying amount of obstacles which present themselves in infinite forms, and degrees of difficulty through which to overcome. Our degrees of success in any journey is determined by the efficiency and finesse with which we have overcome obstacles, the level of true joy that we obtain (We’ll get into what I mean by “True Joy” later), and the permanence of the rewards.

I’m a drinker. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism defines the safe limits of drinking as, “For women, low-risk drinking is defined as no more than 3 drinks on any single day and no more than 7 drinks per week. For men, it is defined as no more than 4 drinks on any single day and no more than 14 drinks per week.” Most of the people I know, myself included, far exceed these numbers. I have exceeded these numbers regularly for years. I’ve never considered myself a raging alcoholic, I don’t wake up in the morning and crave alcohol, I stick mostly to low ABV beers, I’m still a productive member of society, I pay my bills, I rarely drink at home or alone, I haven’t slipped into illegal drug addiction, I’m never belligerent, I’ve never been in a fight, yada yada yada yada. I have however spent thousands of dollars a year on alcohol consumption, browned/blacked out more times than I can guess, had hundreds of terribly lethargic mornings and hangovers, and I have never felt all that good about any of it. It has never brought me “True Joy.”

In most of the larger journeys in my life that I am still in the midst of (Physical Fitness, Path to Joy, Mental Health, Career Accomplishments, Activism, Writing More, Traveling More, etc…) the one obstacle that I can’t seem to forego, even when I can see the clear road on the other side of it is my alcohol consumption. It’s a thicket of bristles and thorns, it injects addictive nectars into my flesh. What’s on the other side of it? More energy, more time, more creativity, more meaningful relationships, a whole lot more money and savings, more travel, more joy, more inspiration, health.

Over the next few entries I’ll be breaking down the elements of the thicket. What makes it tick? What are its weaknesses? How do I overcome it? Where did it come from in the first place? Where are the cracks in the paradigm through which I observe it? What are the excuses?

Feel free to comment below with your own thoughts on the thicket of alcohol consumption. Only a true idiot thinks he can grow alone.

 

WHO WANTS IT!!?? THE IDEALS

Posted on by Joseff Stevenson

“What is grand is necessarily obscure to weak men. That which can be made explicit to the idiot is not worth my care.”  – William Blake

Well, thank you, William Blake. Not sure how I feel about this quote considering that I am a self prescribed “Idiot,” but there is something about it that challenges me beyond the scope of my own vision, which is exactly why I am drawn to it. And therefore, now we must embark on the ideals of this journey:
The Big’uns:
Before we explore the three primary topics in which I hope to be less dumb in, I’d like to paint you a picture of the ideal future me, and maybe you can relate to that ideal, and maybe you can’t.
Now introducing the future me:
Hi there! My name is ________, I spend most of my time in constant pursuit of further knowledge and understanding of the world around me; the people, the problems and how to solve them, how to love more, how to be kinder, how to be more understanding. I recognize that this is a journey that does not end but I’ve always enjoyed the journey more than finding some kind of comfortable ending.
I’ve found a place in my life where I am happy with who I am. I feel no need to be self conscious or worried about what others think about me; I do, however, recognize the thoughts of others and take them into account in my own personal development. You see, just because I have found joy, it doesn’t mean that the hunt is over, on the contrary, the relentless traverse of life is a huge source of that joy.
I am disciplined yet free, I am well thought out yet spontaneous, I am rich of heart and spirit yet humble, I am driven but not afraid to stop and take a photograph of something beautiful, I’ve seen the world with an open heart not as an American but as a member of the global community, I’m healthy and flexible, I’ve held many people in my arms and have cried with many… I do not fear death because I do not need to. I am energy, I am interconnected with the universe. I am free.
Health and Fitness – The Ideal
  • Preventative: I’m 36 now. I’m not Superman anymore. It’s time to pack up the cape and take some preventative measures with regards to my health. I need to shift the paradigm from thinking about my choices with my body from, “Oh, my body can handle it,” to, “What does my body really need to be happy.” The ideal me goes to the doctor before issues arise. He knows what is valuable nutritionally and physically. He knows how to keep his mind and spirit from deteriorating in stressful situations. He is aware in advance of the consequences of both good and bad choices with his health. He is an investigator of all things health.
  • Nutritionally: There’s a huge part of me that knows how great it feels to eat well, regardless of the added benefits of weight loss/control and preventing disease, it feels good to have my body be happy with me; I have more energy, no discomfort, the appropriate chemicals are released allowing me to feel joyful. On the other side, there’s the IDIOT in me who, on occasion, can’t walk past the Burger King on the corner without “Needing” some chicken fries, knowing full well that I was going to feel like shit immediately after. What is the definition of insanity? Repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result? Yeah, pretty sure that’s it. I want to rid myself of the latter paradigm that says, “I think I like eating fast food, smoking, drinking excessively, putting cheese on everything, being bloated, terrible pooping, lethargy, hangovers, smokers cough, lung disease, liver failure, early demise and just being overall miserable. Yeah pretty sure it’s worth it. Wait, what were the benefits?”
  • Fitness: The one is a little more elusive. The reality is that I just want to always feel good about myself. Last year at this time I saw myself as a piece of shit physically, I got upset when I saw myself in the mirror, my fitness caused me emotional stress that then played against my mental health. That’s changed a lot but I’m not sure it’s because I’ve lost some weight. I feel better about my weight, yes, but it’s not the source of my comfort, the source of my comfort is knowing that I’m capable of committing to something that’s tough and allowing it to permeate my life and become a source of joy. I see myself at the gym, running and playing well into old age, I didn’t see that before. So as far as goals go, I get my nutrition in balance, my sleeping, my time management, my spiritual and mental health, I’ll be that guy 20 years from now signing up for Mud Races and Triathlons and playing tag football with the neighborhood kids (Or maybe my own, we’ll see about that one).
  • Mental Health: 2015 was the worst year of my life. It started with devastating news on January 1st of 2015 at about 3am and just didn’t stop. My depression was at an all time high. I couldn’t cross a bridge without considering what would have happened if I’d jumped in the Chicago River. I truly believe that beginning this blog may have saved my life. It forced me to be honest about my own value in the world, what I was capable of, and who I am at the essence. Yes, I fuck up regularly, I fear conflict, I have no idea how to end relationships or start new ones, I don’t stand up for what I believe enough, I’m terrible at a lot of things, but I learned how to see my shortcomings as jumping-off points for progress as opposed to excuses to feel sorry for myself. 2016, though shitty in many aspects (RIP Prince, Bowie, Wilder, Fisher, Democracy and so on), but for me, it was a year of emotional growth and mental well-being. My depression has rarely peaked out from my subconscious. So the ideal is this: To be an emotionally mature, empathetic, thoughtful, growing and joyful person. If someone were to define the future me, I want them to say, “Oh my, he’s just so full of joy, he shares it with everyone.”
  • Spiritual Health: I want to be a simpler human being. I don’t mean that in mind, but in desire. I want to stop confusing what I want with what I actually need. I don’t know that I ever need to identify as a Buddhist but I want to come pretty damn close. Could you imagine the joy and contentment you could experience and spread if you could change the paradigm of superficial value in your life? Where instead of focusing on the temporary pleasures of life you could focus on the true, lasting beauty of nature and human existence.
Personal Finance
I mentioned in a recent post how I had watched a documentary called The Minimalists, and how a concept in that documentary stood out to me, the concept of only purchasing things in life that have true value to the quality of my life. This is the paradigm that I want my financial life to be lived through.
Over the past five days I have quit drinking, not necessarily indefinitely but for the moment I am hitting the reset button on that aspect of my life, it was becoming a problem and it needed some attention so I shifted the paradigm. I say this not as a comment on my health or alcoholism but as an example of purchasing as a means of adding value. A nice beer on occasion amongst friends seems like a purchase of value in our culture, but I had been medicating, or in fear of missing out on something. The result was late nights, hang overs, meeting people who couldn’t add value to my life, and so on, the detrimental elements of excessive drinking are endless and in much the way of having some chicken fries, I never felt good after.
Now, when I look at drinking financially, I would spend an average of $50 a night for 5-6 days a week on shitty beer. That’s $250 a week. $1000 a month. After 5 days of not drinking, I had the money I needed to buy a plane ticket to visit friends in Mexico City for 10 days. One purchase (A 7 days of beer); a week of brown-outs, lethargy, sure the occasional laugh, but the hangovers, Jesus, the hangovers. Another purchase (10 days with friends in a foreign land): Valuable! Valuable! Valuable! An experience I will never forget. Friends to cherish it with. The hands-on experience of a different culture for the first time in my life. The options seems clear.
Purchases that are valuable and serve a greater purpose.
As far as budgeting and bills go… I just want to be that guy that gets it all done. I’m pretty close but there’s always work to do.
Arts and Activism
I want the 3 d’s. Drive, Determination and Discipline. I want the drive to create and actively seek out artistic endeavors that enrich me as a human being and an activist. The determination to face failures as challenges to succeed and the discipline to wake up everyday and make it all happen again and again.
I have a lot of dreams that never go further than my bedside table. That needs to change and I start with discipline.
The ideal me is an always evolving poet, writer, performer, feminist, activist, seeker of social justice, advocate, volunteer, protestor, voter, and educated in the lives of people who live from a different perspective of life than I do. I want to listen. I don’t want to be self-serving. I want to keep my ego as far from it all as possible. I want to help facilitate a dialogue in the issues facing our country and our world at large. I don’t want to feel like I need my name or face on anything because I want to truly believe that it’s simply my responsibility in being part of this beautifully diverse community.

 

That’s it for today. You may be wondering, “When do the 30 Days start?” They already have. There’s no New Years Resolution, there’s no start date, and definitely no ending date. Every single day is an opportunity to shift the paradigm. Namaste.

Look for 3 entries a week. Thanks for reading.

Changing the Lens: The Plan Part 2

Posted on by Joseff Stevenson

“No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or by emotional appeal.” – Marilyn Ferguson

Why do I write a blog? For me and me alone, there is no altruism, at least not here. I write it for reflection. I write it to stimulate desire, as a source of motivation, to create a sense of danger and vulnerability. Why do I share it with you? I want to be accountable, failures and all. I want a place of confession. Perhaps I want to inspire. but more so than any other purpose, this blog is for this guy right here. Take from that what you will and read it, if for no other reason but to act as priest(postal-scales-1-smalless) to my meandering confessions.

Going back to the Paradigm Shift. In Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, I have already found a gem, a new lens through which to instigate personal change. He calls it the “P/PC Balance”: P = Product, PC = Production Capabilities. Now before you start thinking of this formula as seemingly financial in theory The term product/production tends to evoke a business sense), try to see it as a formula that works for all aspects of human independent and interpersonal relationship. It is a scale that, tipped to far in either way, will completely destroy the functioning abilities of the scale itself.

For example, in personal health, I think of my heart as the source of my Production Capability (PC) and my ability to exist in the world as my Product (P). Because my heart is in working order I am able to enjoy the extravagance that life can offer; I can eat food that I enjoy, I can have drinks with friends, I can travel, I can spend time with family, I can make a living, I can enjoy my favorite TV shows. These are the products of a working heart. Now say, I spend all my time enjoying and focusing on the products but never spend any time on making sure that my heart is healthfully maintained, now my Production Capability begins to falter, now I have less energy to enjoy the Product, and may end up having less time (another Product) to enjoy those things. I have not maintained a healthy balance between the PC and the P (Hah, PCP). Now say we tip the scale the other way and focus heavy on the Production Capability (PC). We spend all our time doing cardiovascular exercise and only spend our spare time at work. We live a long healthy life but never fully enjoy the benefits of that life, we have neglected the Product. It’s essentially the same as burying your life savings in a coffee can, never to be invested, never to be used, never to be inherited.

How does Covey’s “P/PC Balance” work in other aspects of life? How about personal relationships? Business? Finance? Love life? Creativity? Activism? Politics? You name it?

You tell me! Write some examples in the comments below. Let’s talk about it.

Now, all that Paradigm Shift, and PCP bullshit being said, what now?

Last year, I made one huge mistake and it’s fully reinforced in the title of this blog; I went for the “Get rich quick,” 30 day approach to personal change. I set short term goals that weren’t reinforced by the evolution of personal foundations; I didn’t shift any paradigms. I wanted to change superficial elements of myself that were hindering my advancement in life without attacking the the fundamentals, the foundational elements that effect the way I view the everyday aspects of life.

This time around the idea of “30 Days” is simply a frame through which I will be writing. The work will take far longer than 30 Days. This month will be a glimpse into the shifting paradigm.

The Plan: No more specific, short term goals. No more “Only eating pizza twice a week,” or, “Cutting my drinking back to special occasions,” or, “Losing this amount of weight in this amount of time.” This time, though I will set goals, the idea is as long as the paradigm continues to shift and fine tune, the we are progressing. As long as I am working towards the balance of Product versus Production Capabilities, I am successful. As long as I am chalking up failures as motivation rather than discouragement, I am winning.

Below is the foundations for a plan of the human being that I would like to work towards being in three specific slivers of my life; Health/Fitness, Finance and Art/Activism. It is detailed in terms of Production Capability (PC), Product (P) and the consequences of Imbalance (I). The goals I will set in the next post are timeless goals, they will always be evolving, always improving, and always working toward a better quality and longevity of life.

Health/Fitness:

Diet:

  1. PC: I spoke of this last year when I mentioned that I had never truly listened to my body before. My body is my Production Facility, I have no product without it. It constantly speaks to me in varying degrees whether in agreement or disagreement, and I often choose to ignore it when it disagrees with me and it is to my own peril to do so. My paradigm shift here for the start is to recognize that within each choice I make with my diet, there are consequences in the product of that choice whether good or bad. Everything I put into my body speaks to it in a particular way, I need to learn that language and apply it.
  2. P: The Products of positive communication with my body: More energy, less stress, weight loss, better heart function, better digestive function (Yep, pooping gets better), better brain function including increased memory and focus, higher self confidence (Harder to feel confident when you’re bloated, trust me), increased stamina and endurance, fine tuned fitness prep, etc.
  3. I: Results of imbalance are: Less energy, more stress, weight gain, higher risk of heart disease and many other health problems, BAD POOPING EXPERIENCES, lower self esteem, depression, lethargy, laziness, etc. Or if I put too much focus on the PC then I can never enjoy FroYo or the occasional slice of pizza, etc…

Physical Fitness:

  1. PC: My body is my factory. Since last year this is one of the few areas that I stuck to though not as consistently as it was at the start it is still something I consciously have made a part of my life and that I have come to enjoy. The one hinderance to the advancement of my physical fitness is a poor relationship with time that is a result of sleep issues that likely stem from alcohol use and an over active brain.
  2. P: Increased confidence, decrease in episodes of depression, more active sex drive, a stronger heart, heightened endurance and stamina, I can carry heavy shit, less likely to get jumped, heightened serotonin, endorphins are released, etc…
  3. I:Weight gain, lowered self confidence, less strength and stamina, you get the point, it’s just the opposite of all the stuff I wrote above. If I focus too heavily on the PC here, I risk injury, I may miss out on other, more social activities, people might call me a meathead (That’s a no-go for me).

Mental Health:

  1. PC: This includes my spirit and my mind. As a person who deals with depression this is a particular important Production Capability that seems to live in an abstraction and is therefore incredibly delicate and incredibly vital to the support of all other aspects of my life, in and out of topic within this blog.
  2. P: Simply Joy.
  3. I: Simply the lack of Joy
  4. Note: If my Mental/Spiritual Health is in balance, all else becomes cake, like REEEAAAALLLLY GOOOOOD CAKE, like the best cake you’ve ever had but it’s also healthy. We’ll talk more about this one in a later post.

Finance:

Income:

  1. PC: My PC here is my job. I work in the service industry and this seems to provide fairly well in terms of money but it also has its shortcomings which lead into all other aspects of my personal development. The question here is whether or not it is beneficial to continue in this industry or to seek other ways of producing money. I find that as the paradigm shifts in other elements the need for money somewhat decreases (i.e. Money spent on alcohol). However if I were able to continue in this industry while my paradigms continue to shift, I will have created the means to find enjoyment in so many other levels of life.
  2. P: Cash on hand, friendships, the ability to find financial stability, a sense of autonomy and independence, a social environment.
  3. I: So many imbalances are possible here; drink too much, anger, sleep imbalances, limited outside social contact (The only friends I really see are those I work with), and so many more.

Expenses:

  1. PC: Strangely enough the PC here is determined by my income but results in my ability to live life in a comfortable manor. I recently watched a Documentary on Netflix titled, The Minimalists, and they discussed the idea of questioning purchases (which include data plans, clothes, movies, bills, etc.) by asking yourself this simple question, “Will this add or take away value from my life?” So that question is where I start with my Production Capability is the ability of whatever it is that I decide to purchase to add value in my life (This is the balanced side) or detract value in my life (This the imbalanced). The more I understand what truly adds value to my life the greater the paradigm will shift and ultimately I will save more money than I spend.
  2. P: Greater sense of self worth, freedom, less fear, heightened contentment, greater likelihood of travel and enriching experience, better support to reach other goals, etc…

Art/Activism:

I want to find a way to put these two concepts at the forefront of my human action and interaction. I suspect that it may fall into place as a result of the shifting paradigms in Personal Health/Fitness and Finance but I intend to keep a finger to the pulse of the changing tide as I research some volunteer possibilities and manage my time in order to further pursue my artistic endeavors. I need to create the foundation on which a whole new system can live here. I’m not sure what it looks like yet, and it will be a learning experience but expect to see some big ideas coming in this department soon.

 

So that’s it for today. Getting my shit together is going to be tough, deep tissue work but my sleeves are rolled up and I got my get-dirty jeans on so let’s turn it up.

Shifting the Paradigm: The Plan Part 1

Posted on by Joseff Stevenson

It’s 8:30 on a Wednesday morning and I’m already feeling myself opening to the possibilities of the 30 Days that I haven’t started the clock on. The morning sun is shining through my living room window, meditative music is playing and I’m feeling at ease, comfortable in myself and hopeful for the future. It hasn’t taken much, just some micro shifts in my paradigm. A challenge from a friend. A new perspective.

I began reading the book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey. I was hesitant at first but desperate to figure out a way to make all the gunk disappear and for good. I was afraid that the author’s religious background would constitute too much of the material and I would be drowning in the piety and dogma of the book but as I continue to read it seems that his religion is merely a reference point to his personal life in implementing the more universal foundations of the book. So far, so good.

In reading The 7 Habits (Only about 40 pages in) I have discovered a very simple and yet very complex dichotomy that we all live in and one that I believe that has hindered me from reaching so many of my goals. Covey defines this as “Personality” vs “Character” Ethics. In Personality Ethics we are adjusting an idea of ourselves that is rarely more than skin deep, we say, “If I just smile more, people will listen more or like me more,” “If I make more eye contact people will trust me more or respect me more,” etc. Personality Ethics are a bandaid stuck on the wound of a much greater flaw in our Character.

This leads us to Character Ethics, more definite, more ingrained in our tapestry, difficult to change, but more rewarding in the long run. Character Ethics take all of those superficial ideas, (smiling more, eye contact, body language, drive, hard work, etc…) and creates a reason for them to exist in the first place. I smile more not because I am forced to but because I’m actually happy. I make eye contact more, not to gain trust but because I truly want to listen. I work harder because it is part of my character not because of its superficial benefits.

This concept leads to the idea of a Shifting Paradigm, a change in the way we perceive the world around us. It is the lens through which we view everything. It is conditioned in us from birth through culture, our up-bringing, friends, school, workplace, love life, location and all else that affects the way we see everything. In our lives we have many paradigms, we view school through a different lens than say family, we view our night life through a different lens than we do work. The problem is that we unconsciously tend to allow our paradigms to be static, unchanging, even though they make tiny shifts all the time. But what if we were able to make those shifts HUGE?

Here’s an example of a small paradigm shift: You’re driving to visit a friend who works at the hospital for their lunch break. As you drive down the highway a car speeds past you and nearly runs you off the road, you curse, you call the driver an “Asshole,” you seeth about it for awhile but then you let it go. You then arrive at the hospital to see that very same car in the Emergency Room Bay with a woman sitting on the curb next to it in tears. She was the driver, her husband had a heart attack while they were on the way to the airport. Has your paradigm shifted? Will you change the way you think in the future? Will you think twice about someone who speeds down the highway? Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. But you get the point.

This 30 Days will be about Shifting the Paradigm. I don’t want superficial change, I want change that reaches down to the core of me, that affects my character, that allows me to see life through a new set of lenses. I want to find fulfillment, joy, peace, health and love and I want it to ooze out of me like sap. This is where I start. This is where the plan begins.

 

30 Days and I’m Still a Complete Idiot: The Reprise

Posted on by Joseff Stevenson

Hey Friends! I’m still here! Let’s get some shit done am I right!?race_1851_photo_35885347

It’s been nearly a year since I started this blog and about ten months since I stopped writing this blog but I find it calling out to me. I find it screaming, “YOU STILL FUCKING NEED ME!” I don’t know if it’s accountability or a relentless desire to expose myself but it’s summoned me and here I am.

If you’re new to my blog it goes like this: I use 30 days to try and change a lifestyle which is deeply ingrained. Last year it was directly based in physical and mental fitness, bad choices influenced from working in the service industry, food consumption and a touch of personal finance. I chronicle my journey, miserable failures and all, and you get to go on the crazy exciting ride with me. So here’s a progress report:

Fitness

  • Physical: I’ve lost between 15 and 20 pounds which puts me right around the ideal weight for a man of my height. I still frequent the gym though I’ve had small hiatuses along the way. I ran the Tough Mudder in May with a team of three coworkers and slayed it. I ran a half marathon without walking once in October. All and all I’ve done pretty good and can say that I’ve made my physical fitness a priority and habitual. That being said, I still have a few goals to reach and many of them are directly related to some of the problem areas that I intend to work on for this 30 Days. Also, *cough*cough*, I started smoking again. “NOOOOOOOO!”
  • Mental: As an individual who battles with depression, I’ve had a reasonably good year sans a few issues related to our current political climate (Which we’ll avoid for the time being). There are, and always will be, areas to improve. I’ll go into those and all other goals in the next post.
  • Nutrition: Kinda fell off the wagon with this one and it has a lot to do with being in the service industry, you know with all the shift drinks and easily accessible pizzaaaaaaa. We’re gonna nip this one in the bud this time, it’s life or death at this point, at least it feels like it is. I will say, however, that I’m still eating better than I was last year when I had McDonalds for Christmas dinner.
  • Spiritual: I’ve read more literature but still feel a little displaced in my spiritual life; again I believe this has to do with many of my other habits that seem to be roadblocking me from the kind of focus it takes to be the spiritual being that I want to be.

Finance

  • Not so good. Still a total idiot. Shit. Gonna put a lot more focus on this one this time around.

For this 30 Days I’m going to be hitting three topics, each of them detailed here once a week for a total of three posts a week. 1) Health & Fitness including Nutrition, Spiritual and Mental Health. 2) Personal Finance. 3) Art & Activism, a new section dealing with educating myself and becoming a more active member of both artistic and social justice based communities.

We’ll start in the next post with Identifying Goals, both long term and short term, we’ll follow that by Identifying the Roadblocks, those that can eliminated and those which are permanent, then we’ll define a pathway in ways both direct and indirect, and finally we’ll implement the master plan.

Days 2 and 3: Keepin ma Head in the Fight!

Posted on by Joseff Stevenson

Sometimes you don’t even know what hit you and you become a little hazy. You flail

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Flailing. What do you think happens next?

around blindly trying to make contact with something of substance or stability to hold onto as you go down. But flailing? Flailing is not the answer. Breathing is. Opening your eyes. Focusing through the haze. The true fighter always has an eye for the target even when his eyes are filled with tears and sweat.

My financial life has been a life of flailing, thinking eventually that I would find the stability to hold onto. Always thinking that something would be there to make it better; the random acting job, a better than average shift at the restaurant, a photography gig, student loans. “Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched,” my mothers voice reverberating in my head. Stop it with your silly adages mom, they don’t make sense. Or do they.

I’ve recently begun using the application Levelmoney for Android and IOS and after comparing with my own calculations from going through my bank statements by hand it is wildly accurate and useful in figuring out where my money is going. And here are a few observations I’ve learned from using it:

  1. I’m an idiot.
  2. I’m a dummy.
  3. I’m lazy.
  4. I have reaaaaallllly inconsistent income.

But seriously… here are the real observations:

  1. I spend a lot of money on Ubers and Cabs. Though sometimes necessary due to weather and the early cutoff of some bus lines from work, it is not necessary nearly half of the time if I would just leave my home early enough to get to the places I need to be. If I could cut this expense in half I could pay my phone bill with the savings.
  2. Looking at months before February (The month of my last 30 Days when I cut back on drinking) I spent a lot of money on going out. In those months, if I didn’t go out at all I would have saved the majority of my cost of rent (I’m using comparisons so as to maintain some modicum of privacy).
  3. Looking at months previous to February (The month I vowed to grocery shop once a week) I spent a whole lot more going out to eat than I did in February when I grocery shopped that shit.
  4. Lastly, I need to deposit all my tips, or record all my cash purchases by hand to add to my totals from Levelmoney. I couldn’t even come close to telling you all the data that I can’t research because of using cash. I don’t know my true income, I don’t know my true spending. So yeah, Idiot, Dummy, Lazy Ass.

Plans to fix things (because there’s no point in finding problems if you don’t intend to fix them right):

  1. Cut Uber and Cab rides in half by identifying the situations in which they are unnecessary and finding the alternatives (i.e. Public Transit, bike, walk, etc.)
  2. Revert to my February plan of drinking only twice a week. The psychology of that seemed to work for me, I tried other methods throughout my last 30 Days and they didn’t seem to work as well. This should keep my extracurricular expenses down to at least half of before.
  3. GROCERY SHOP!!! I enjoyed it. I enjoyed cooking my food, it was peaceful, fulfilling and healthy. Let’s try that again. Cuz apparently I like to revert to habits that make me feel like shit, cuz that’s what idiots do right?
  4. Account for all money, every dollar in and out of my life. This way I can paint a picture.

I’m going to use a relative starting number of 1000 Clams as a representation of where I started on all these budgets and investment accounts. Starting April 1st I’ll begin comparing the changes to the previous months of November through January in order to paint a picture of what could be.

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Head in the fight hombre!

It’s time to stop flailing and begin building positive habits that will point me towards a more joy filled future. Join me soon for my next entry where I will post a video of myself driving a rusty stake through my eyeball (Just making sure you’re listening). Kisses.

Day 1: Financial Dum-Dum

Posted on by Joseff Stevenson

Investigating the source. There is something inherent in my essence that leads me away from productivity. It’s a kind of lethargy that makes basic tasks feel like I’m dredging through a bog. This is in sharp contrast to the way I feel when I am being productive which presents a freak-of-nature kind of conundrum. When leading a productive life I feel true joy, my body is in its right place and so is my heart and spirit, but when I feel this lethargic shadow creep over me, it all inverts and I find myself wishing I was productive again. I need to identify the source and beat the crap out of it.

So, the above being said, today’s post will be a short one. I am finding it hard to focus on my goals and need to meditate on my shortcomings in order to really make this work.

What I will say is this about my financial journey: I have started two separate investment accounts, one with Acorns (An app that rounds up your purchases to the next dollar and automatically puts that amount into a diversified investment account), and the other with Betterment (An app that you can set up a recurring transfer to and design investment accounts around your personal goals). With Acorns, which I actually set up a couple of months ago, I have already made $10 in interest on a relatively small amount of money and I’m using it to save towards traveling out of the country. With Betterment I have a $15 dollar per week recurring deposit aimed to create a 6 month security savings of $6,000; of course I will have to deposit more than $15 a week but I’m starting slow to see how it works. Also, with Betterment, I can link my other accounts, like Acorns, to it and it monitors them to make sure that they aren’t over charging me in fees and that I’m making a reasonable amount in interest.

So, I’m still a lethargic dum-dum but at least I did something.

Full transparency: If you click on the Acorns link here or above and you open an account with through that link, it’ll put $5 extra bucks in my Acorns account. Of course you can just go to Acorns.com and do it without the invite but, hey, I figured we could stick it to the man together right.

That’s it for today. Here’s a couple short term savings goals to close out on:

  • Bi-annual trip to California to see family: $800 each trip or $1600 per year. Meaning, I have to save $133 dollars per month, or about $300 less than what I used to spend on cigarettes each month (That really puts things in perspective right?).
  • Race Entry Fees: Usually about a $150 each race and I’d like to at least 3 per year s $450 per year. About $38 per month.

Thanks for reading. Join Acorns. Acorns. Acorns. Acorns. Acorns.

The Plan: Part 2 ((Personal Stupid Finance)))

Posted on by Joseff Stevenson

My Spirit deserves/yearns/cries out to live in many different places, sometimes all at once. My nature is stuck in a quagmire of lacking self discipline.

The unfortunate truth is that money and freedom are of the same ilk, they are inseparable sisters, traversing our lives and reminding us of their dependencies on one another.

When I was young I fantasized about going to boot camp, not becoming a soldier, I had no interest in hurting other people, just basic training; I wanted to know that I could be a warrior, that I could survive. I wanted to climb walls, survive poisoned gas, crawl in the mud under barbed wire and put my weapon together faster and better than any one else. Now I look back and all I really want is the quality that makes all the other challenges ebb; self-discipline.

In the next 30 Days, starting this coming Monday, March 21st, I intend to develop that sense of self-discipline as it comes to my personal finance. Something I have come to understand as innate truth is that the development of this discipline in my financial life can, and will effect every other branch of my life; mentally, physically and spiritually. I will gain freedom by defeating my financial short comings.

 

The Plan:

Short Term:

Create Systems for Financial Organization

  • Get a filing system that works for all elements of my financial life including bills, credit, receipts, tax information, financial history and many other things I intend to learn within the first few days.
  • Go over my past finances by hand (This will help me understand my finances intimately). I have printed my last several months of bank transactions to go through and categorize my spending in income. I have also requested a print out of my reported tips from my workplace.
  • Build a working budget. Build budgets for daily spending, monthly spending, yearly spending, savings transfers and other more specific elements of my spending.

Research

  • Investigate useful applications for money management. (i.e. Level Money, Mint, Credit Karma, Smart Receipts, YNAB (You Need a Budget), Wally+ and Goodbudget).
  • Research investing, savings, stock trading, etc.
  • Know where I am now. What I owe, what I’m behind on, do I have any assets, etc…
  • What damage have I done and how can I repair that damage?
  • Identify what it is in my personality that makes money an issue for me and investigate ways to make changes.
  • Identify financial goals; Emergency Savings, Travel, Real Estate, Comfort, etc.

 

Long Term:

Plans

  • Create a 1, 5 and 10 year plan for personal finance in addition to a plan for family and retirement savings.
  • Write at least one functioning business plan for photography, theatre company and/or bar.

 

One Last Point:

I am a tipped employee in the state of Illinois so I don’t really get paychecks. I intend to use this 30 Days to understand finances from that perspective. I deposit cash, I use cash for purchases and I don’t have a consistent income due to the nature of the business in which I work. How do I accommodate for this? There are not a lot of resources for personal finance for people in this industry.

 

So, stick with me. I promise it won’t be that boring because this is not a shitty how-to blog, it’s a shitty here’s-all-my-junk-that-I-need-to-figure-out-neuroses kind of blog. Let’s put on our Idiot Hats and find the path to enlightenment folks. See ya soon.

The Next 30 Days: (The Reason)

Posted on by Joseff Stevenson

“I suck at money the way that puppies suck at catching their own tails, even when I’ve got it, I don’ know what to do with it next.”

 

Finally, we begin our new journey, and it’s in the incredibly exciting world of, (Drum roll please) PERSONAL FINANCE. What? Really? Yeah, that would let me down too. All that anticipation with the written drum roll and shit and then, wait, “Personal Finance?” Yeah, it seems kind of boring, but it won’t be all that bad when you think of Personal Finance from the perspective of a complete financial moron, me. Let’s get started…

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I suck at money the way that puppies suck at catching their own tails, even when I’ve got it, I don’ know what to do with it next. This phenomena is hugely in part because money isn’t real, it doesn’t actually exist, like math, it’s just an abstract, and yet all these jerks seem to think that it stands as a valid currency for trade of goods and services. Why are they so mean? So, given that perspective which I so proudly herald, I spend it without thinking of the consequences. Why do I spend it so often and with such reckless abandon? Two reasons:

  1. Spontaneity: I thrive in immediate experience. If someone at work says, “Oh, its Megan’s Birthday tonight at fill-in-the-blank-bar, you met her that one time you don’t remember, you should come and celebrate this strangers birthday with us,” my response is always to jump on the opportunity to force some kind of experience that I’m not going to give two shits about the next day. Therefore, I go to said bar, buy drinks and tots for myself and the aforementioned-what’s-her-name, force a positive experience out of it, head home in a cab, sleep, wake up and try to piece it all together. Bank Statement… 60 bucks. Add that up to a couple times a week or more and eventually I come to find out that I’ve spent more money on trying to have these types of forgettable experiences than I am now able to afford on memorable ones.
  2.  Expectation of a Survivable Future: Let go and let God, right? No. Stop it. The assumption that my legitimate expenses will be met regardless of how I spend my money is a very damaging assumption. I tend to think that spending a few extra bucks won’t hurt for the convenience of an Uber versus the Public Transit option but as I recently looked into, I spent $236.17 on Uber in the month of February on 30 rides at an average of $7.87 on each ride and each of those rides would only cost $2.50 on Public Transit leaving me with an expenditure of $161 per month more in Uber rides than if I just used Public Transit. That all adds up and when rent comes around and I constantly have to rely on the Grace Period my “Expectation for a Survivable Future” seems to be a bit askew. I can’t expect the money to be there when I need it, I have to help insure that it is through my actions.

I’m Getting Olde. At 35 I am reaching an age where I need to take some interest in my future security. I do not have an Emergency Fund or any substantial investments. I can’t even say I live paycheck to paycheck because I live on tips. I’m an artist in waiting for that so-called “Big Break,” which really means I just want to do something, anything that pays. It’s now or never. Get your ass in gear and look to your future Joseff.

The Lie of Being Comfortable Isn’t Working Anymore. It hasn’t always been a lie but being okay with not being secure financially is something that will soon become much harder to bare and as my mother would say, “It’s time to get your ducks in a row,” whatever that means, I imagine it’s a shooting gallery metaphor and I’m not a big fan og guns or killing ducks, but I got you momma.

Pressure to be Liked. Here’s one we don’t think of as much in the financial world. We want people to like us and using our money is a way to do that. “I got this round,” “I’ll buy this time,” “You’re pretty, here’s a box of trinkets.” But, in my last 30 days, I found out that simply being a person of integrity, intelligence, compassion, and interest is a thousand times more useful in being liked than buying people shit. It kind of makes sense right, be a likable person and, what, people will like you? Crazy right. We’re gonna work these 30 days on trying to shed the use of money as a way to gain likes.

Giving Back. I’ve had to borrow money over the years from various sources to make ends meet. I’m a little beyond that now but I still feel a sense of indebtedness to those who have helped me over time. I’d really like to be able to be there for others when they need it. Also, I really like this particular political candidate, I won’t mention the name, but they don’t take contributions from corporations to fund their campaign, and I wish I could afford to help out some more, but, hey, I can’t.

Creating Opportunity for Myself. I have so many ideas for the future that could be so useful to my finances and my personal sense of well-being, but, I can’t afford to start the journeys that lead to their success. Whether it be a business venture, a particular area of study, travel, etc., I can’t make them happen with mediocre credit, bad spending, and the habits that insure that I continue to live difficultly.

Family. Because of my financial habits, I don’t get to spend the time that I would like to visiting the family and friends that I don’t live near. These relationships can’t be collateral damage to my self offending habits.

 

So, here we go. A new journey, with new obstacles and a little twinkle of hope that in the next 30 days, this Idiot will learn a thing or two about Personal Finance. Stay tuned for “The Plan” to figure out how I intend to attack this particularly gnarly beast.

One Week Left: Karma

Posted on by Joseff Stevenson

“Many children believe there are monsters in their closets so they hide from them, they never approach them and therefore don’t understand the usefulness of a closet. Our suffering is much the same. Approach it, investigate it, understand it, and then hang your clothes on it, and maybe an accessory rack from Ikea to keep your personal thingys in.”

Previous Post

Let’s just be square, I don’t like saying, “One Week Left,” because it’s not totally the truth. If you remember back when we started this whole journey together, you’ll remember that this wasn’t about SURVIVING 30 days but USING 30 days for transformation. So, in reality, no, not “One Week Left,” but a lifetime left. Some things from this journey may stick and others may fall away to some degree but the important thing is that I’ve learned some discipline, some humility and new ways to be in touch with reality as opposed to medicating through food, beverage and laziness.

So here is something else I’ve learned: The Energy we put into the universe is, in fact, real. I had an event happen to me a little over a year ago that left me in an emotional acid rain storm. My depression was at an all time high and I lost all sense of value and positivity, when you read the ads on the El for Clinical Studies on Depression, they could have put my picture up next to them with an arrow and a blurb saying, “Do you feel like Karmathis guy?” Yes, that’s how bad it was, but, it was also the impetus, by way of domino effect, for the joy that I am experiencing now.

In seeking an answer for the pain I felt I found Buddhism and its philosophies, I’m not going to preach about it because there is nothing to preach about, you can live within almost any religion, creed or theism and still appreciate the philosophies of the Buddha (Martin Luther King Jr. was a fan of Buddhism). Buddhism works this way because it’s not about who you worship but how you live in the world.

  • Recognizing the difference between “Need” and “Desire”.
  • Recognizing that the source of pain comes from within us.
  • Seeing the interconnectedness of the universe and therefore its beauty and ugliness as one and the same.
  • And that all energy is also connected.

Karma (or Kamma) is not as most modern Westerners understand it; Karma Chameleon and “What goes around comes around.” Karma is about the intended energy that is sent out from our beings. We live in and pass on positive energy and if we do this we leave our spiritual pores wide open to receive the same energy. It’s not about bouncing our good energy off of a back board so that we can catch it again but about living IN the positive energy so that we are prepared to receive it as it is in existence all around us at all times.

It’s hard for a depressed person to figure this out because they are so stuck in their negativity that it seems nearly impossible to squeeze out anything that resembles joy. But I promise you, (yeah you, you know who I’m talking to) it is not impossible to find joy and positivity in your life if you learn how to understand and allow your suffering. Bet you didn’t see that coming. “Allow my suffering? What the hell are you talking about Joseff?” It is exactly what it sounds like. I want you to click HEEERRRE (Wait! Not now weirdo, after you finish reading my Blog).

Think of it this way; the reason I refer to myself as “An Idiot” in the title of my Blog is not because I think I am stupid, it is because IF I hold myself as a fully functioning, fully intellectual, human being, then I have already reached my utmost potential. However, if I accept that I am, in reality, a TOTAL FREAKING IDIOT, then I have the world at my fingertips and all the information that I did not have is now a thousand times more available to me and I am a million times more likely to seek it out. The truth is, and this should provide some comfort to my fellow downers (AKA Depressed Peeps), we are all suffering, we are all in this together and JOY doesn’t hold water if we do not first accept that we suffer. When we are born, we have already begun our inevitable journeys toward death. When you are aware of your feeling, whatever it may be, take a breath and say, “I am aware of this feeling,” allow the feeling to be and to exist, observe it, face it, try and understand it without judging it and it will float on to make way for the next feeling. The more you practice this meditation (And that’s what meditation is, mindful observation), the more you will understand your feelings, and the less control they will have over your life as a whole.

Many children believe there are monsters in their closets so they hide from them, they never approach them and therefore don’t understand the usefulness of a closet. Our suffering is much the same. Approach it, investigate it, understand it, and then hang your clothes on it, and maybe an accessory rack from Ikea to keep your personal thingys in.

Understanding Karma/Kamma comes from the above mentioned place of mindful observance of self. There’s a verse in the Bible that I remember from when I was a child and it stands out to me because it seems to stand outside of religious dogma and is also a testament to the Buddhist way of thought, and it goes something like, “Don’t attempt to take the speck from your brother’s eye (MEANING OF “BROTHER”: ANYONE ELSE’S EYE!!!) until you’ve removed the plank from your own.” Understand yourself and your energy will move out into the world and affect others, you don’t really have to try, it will just happen and you’ll reap the benefits of your Karma without realizing you even needed those benefits in the first place.

Since I started this Blog, working on being better to myself, I have found that I have reaped the benefits of positive Karma without even needing them in the first place. It’s nice to be surprised.

Now, go back up and click on HEEERRRE to forego your ignorance and learn a little about Buddhism. Or if you’re just to lazy to go halfway up the page you can just click HEEERRRE instead.

Comment below and give me some ideas on what I should do for my next 30 Days With and Idiot.